26. Mr B bans dissent.

“When the eagles are silent the parrots begin to jabber.” 
Winston Churchill.

1. Last week this scribesuggested we ban dissent at Speakers’ Corner after poor Mr B had to endure tons of it. Mr B must have thought it was a good idea, because today he instituted the ban. He was tired of people disagreeing with him, so he banned dissent.

One grasshopper took the advice on board and agreed with that idea, fine fellow. (Though was that a smirk?) As for the rest of Mr B’s grasshoppers and garden gnomes, no one took any notice of the ban. For the rest of the day there was perpetual dissent. Sigh.

Your thoughtful scribe suggests that you share this meme on social media to ensure everyone is informed of the ban.

2. The Infinite Monkey Theorem.Do you remember the old chestnut about the monkey randomly tapping on a typewriter? That if you gave it an infinite amount of time it would eventually type a work of Shakespeare’s? Mr B suggested that would happen, given that a finite task must be completed when there is infinite time in which to perform it. “But if that is the reason”, he continued, “that would suggest two plays were possible, because that’s also a finite task. And so on. A whole library, even! Provided the number of books was finite, then the task would eventually be completed because there is infinite time in which to do it. Finite task with infinite time.True or false?”

As you would expect, Mr B’s brain-dead garden gnomes had trouble grappling with the idea. “The universe couldn’t exist for that long,” said one. “Waddaya mean by ‘time’?” asked another. Holy moly.

One thing is obvious: the monkey would have a better chance of writing a decent play than any of the hecklers.

Uncle Pete promises that next week he will explain why the monkey cannot complete the finite task in infinite time. Oh dear.

3. Do Androids dream of electric sheep? Today Mr B answered that question, first posed by writer Philip K Dick. However, Mr B “forgot” to acknowledge that he “borrowed” the answer from a radio play called ‘Ruby The Galactic Gumshoe‘.

4. Other topics discussed:
– Should we be judged on what we have done in our life, or on the person we have become?

– Idiot judges, who give an offender more time in jail because they ‘want to send a message’. And other idiot judges who say stupid things like, ‘The community should be ashamed.’

– Mr B made two requests:
(i) would the three idiot musketeers (the two Peters and Helmut) please develop some insight, so that they become aware of the forces behind their stupid bloody infuriating antics.
(ii) Would Helmut please speak elsewhere and take the two remaining idiot musketeers with him? And take with him Ben the Whisperer and any other dissastisfied garden gnome who feels compelled to interrupt poor Mr B?
(I don’t fancy his chances that they’ll comply with his request.)

– Mirko excelled himself today by being even more “unorthodox” than usual. If you have heard MIrko speak then you will realise that’s quite a feat.

– Ray, Steve and Helmut spoke as well, but this scribe doesn’t know what they said because he was too absorbed in what Mr B was saying.

– The story of the lemon tree.

5. These giant isopodsfeature in our unusual creature series. The one on the left recently unsubscribed from our Facebook pagefor reasons unclear. If you’re not a subscriber you can take its place.